|
[06 Apr 2006|04:13pm] |
Saw that gap again today.
While you were begging me to stay.
Take care not to make me enter.
If I do we both may disappear.
Saw that gap again today.
While you were begging me to stay
Managed to push myself away
And you as well, my dear
And you, as well
Pushed you away my dear
I will choke until I swallow
Choke this infant here before me
What are you but my reflection?
Who am I to judge or strike you down?
But you're pushing me
And Im shoving you
And your pushing me
And Im shoving you
Rest your trigger on my finger,
Bang my head upon the fault line
You better take care not to make me enter
If I do we both may disappear
But you're pushing me
And Im shoving you
And your pushing me
And Im shoving you
You still love me
We're pushing and were shoving
And you're pushing and I'm shoving
You still love me
And were pushing and were shoving
And I'm pushing as your shoving
And Im slipping back into the gap again
I feel alive when you touch me...
I feel alive when you hold me...
...down
Slipping back into you
I am somewhere I dont wanna be, yeah
Put me somewhere I dont wanna be
Push me somewhere I dont wanna be
Seeing someplace I don't wanna see
Never wanna see that place again...
Saw that gap again today
While you were begging me to stay
Managed to push myself away,
And you as well, my dear
If, when I say I may fade like a sigh if I stay,
You minimize my movement anyway,
I must persuade you another way
Pushing and Shoving and
Pushing and Shoving and
Pushing me
There's no love in fear.
Staring down the hole again.
Hands are on my back again.
Survival is my only friend.
Terrified of what may come.
Remember I will always love you,
As I claw your fucking throat away.
It will end no other way.
"Pushit" by Tool, off of the Salival cd.
---
And then one by me;
"Will you"
Words follow
But I don't know them
Tasting you in the air
I closed my eyes, just to see you
And I want to feel this forever
Words Follow
She's like heaven coming my way
Falling into my arms, as I drift into hers
And it's time
It's time to feel this forever
Words Follow
And I reach out to you again
My eyes lost in yours
The silence passes by, screaming
Screaming out my love for you
And I hold you close
Words follow
The beat of her heart
And will she be mine?
Will you be mine?
Words Follow
Will you be mine my love?
|
|
| There is no fixing this |
[04 Apr 2006|07:01pm] |
|
I had started to just leave these lyrics up, but then I decided that was lame. You wouldn't know what I meant, and it'd be stupid. Then again, my entire life is stupid right now. I feel sick, I have a bleeding ulcer, and I got my heart messed up with something I knew better than to get messed in with.
I posted at one point that I thought I was falling in love, and I still think that, despite what other people might think.
Anyway, her name is Cristal. I had some problems with her when I first met her... For one thing, she'd just had her heart broken, and she wasn't looking for someone... But we kinda just found each other. Turns out I was still hurting inside, and we spent... Two weeks, straight, together. Marla can attest to that, she didn't see me the entire time. I was just gone. And it was more than just something physical or whatever... It was like we bonded, you know? And we did...
But then her ex would come around, and ruin it. He was an asshole that cheated on her like two times, with a dude, and once with a girl. And he would try and beg her to come back to him, even doing it once infront of me. Then another time he came around he tried to say all sorts of shit about her to me so that I'd leave her or whatever.
Fuck him.
I had problems with other guy friends she had, who either got the wrong impression from her, or before she met me she was giving them that impression. All I know is, when I met them, I had to really force myself not to do something to them. And I didn't. And they all left, without much of an incident (I don't want people getting the wrong idea, she made it known from the start to each of them that she was with me, but the guys still treated me like shit and hated me, and made it difficult. And to clarify, it was two guys, lol. A married dude who wanted to have an affair with her but she wouldn't, and then a friend who wanted more or something.) They all resented the fact that I just seemed to show up and then she was mine.
Then the last one was the hardest, because he was my friend. And he tried to act like it was "just how it went sometimes." She didn't do anything with him either, but he was always all over her, and it just pissed me off to the point where I couldn't even stand to be near him anymore.
And then it was like everything fell apart. Just as soon as we were figuring ourselves out, and getting all these other people out of our business, it all just fell apart.
I still see her. I don't care if people think that she's a bitch, or that she's just stringing me along. She isn't a slut, and she wasn't with any of those other guys. It was them who wanted to be with her, not the other way around. And it made it difficult, but you know what, nothing worth having is easy. We aren't together, but we aren't not together.
My life is done. I've given up even trying to fix myself. I'm sorry, but why bother trying to fix something that will just break again? I'll update everyone when I have more to say!
Also, don't worry about me or anything. I'm not like, slipping into a spat of depression or anything. I'm not love sick either, so don't fucking start there either. I'm just not sure what I am.
---
What if there was no light
Nothing wrong, nothing right
What if there was no time
And no reason or rhyme
What if you should decide
That you don’t want me there by your side
That you don’t want me there in your life
What if I got it wrong
And no poem or song
Could put right what I got wrong
Or make you feel I belong
What if you should decide
That you don’t want me there by your side
That you don’t want me there in your life
Oooh, that’s right
Let’s take a breath, jump over the side
Oooh, that’s right
How can you know it if you don’t even try
Oooh, that’s right
Every step that you take
Could be your biggest mistake
It could bend or it could break
But that’s the risk that you take
What if you should decide
That you don’t want me there in your life
That you don’t want me there by your side
Ooh, that’s right
Let’s take a breath, jump over the side
Ooh, that’s right
How can you know it when you don’t even try
Ooh, that’s right
Ooh, that’s right
Let’s take a breath, jump over the side
Ooh, that’s right
You know the darkness always turns into light
Ooh, that’s right
-By Coldplay
|
|
|
[30 Mar 2006|06:36pm] |
Look at that arm! It's shrunk since I got sick T_T
|
|
|
[16 Mar 2006|08:47pm] |
Yeah, I am definately falling in love. I can't eat, I can't sleep. I can't focus, I can't even think straight. I've neglected everything just to be with her as much as I can, and I know it's hurt some people that I have, but I just can't... I just can't focus on anything. All I see is her in my mind, and all I want is to be near her.
Anyway... Sorry to the people who've been hurt by my lack of activity. It might be over soon. I wont go into that, but anyway. Yeah.
|
|
| Met Someone |
[14 Mar 2006|01:54am] |
Ever met someone who totally takes your breathe away? Yeah, I did... It's complicated though. It was, well... Ahem, difficult, but yeah. I'd write more, but yeah >_> This post is going to seem really dumb to me later, but bleh!
I think I'm crushing on someone!
|
|
|
[08 Mar 2006|02:50am] |
Just a quick update, because it's late... Or early, I suppose. I haven't been doing much of anything lately, except studying for the SAT, and playing Second Life... God that game sucks balls.
And yet... I can't seem to stop playing it. I've already met about a dozen people on it that seem really cool, two in particular that are cooler than the rest. I dunno why this game has so much appeal to me. The last MMO I played was City of Heroes... Second Life's combat interface sucks massively, and controlling vehicles is shoddy. Oh, and let's not forget the lag. Second Life doesn't really have 'servers' perse, but rather quadrants of land seperated from each other. Some are interconnected, but most are just seperate entities. Still, anyone can go anywhere. It's not like having a character specifically attached to a server. You can skip around anywhere you want. Then there's the buildings and items that people have. Every little thing adds onto the strain; the more cool shit you have sitting around your house, the laggier it'll be. In some places it's so bad it's not even worth going into them, which sucks because they tend to be the coolest places of all.
So yeah, this shitty game, with it's mediocre graphics and poor controls has me complete enamoured. I dunno if it's because I'm simple, or because the game is simple. You pretend to be someone else. Not really... You pretend to be an extension of yourself. The guy I have has pants with fire, a shirt that also has fire, sometimes wears a black leather jacket, has pale skin and blank eyes (eyes that are all black, including the whites.) He has his labre pierced, his eyebrow pierced twice, and each ear has two earrings in them. He has shoulder length white hair, though I've changed it a few times. Right now it's a cool blue color. Tomorrow I think I'll make it red... I dunno. He also carries a sword on his back, but the combat scripts for it blow, so it's mostly just for show. If I was to get into a combat situation, I'd use one of the many guns I have instead of a sword. Beyond that... I just run around meeting people, and exploring the land. I'm not really interested in owning land right now, though I could if I wanted (basic accounts are free, but to own land you have to upgrade. I got a free three month upgrade from a friend.) A lot of people also do stuff to make money, like make clothing and build buildings, and then sell them. Yeah, not interested in that either, though I am going to dabble in clothing making. No, I'm just interested in flying around, spending what little money I do make, and just exploring. Seeing what there is to see. What's really crazy is the chance meetings.
I met this one girl simply because I was in someone's property. They had a defense system that warped me out of it, and sent me back to the beginner's area. She was just there, and we started talking, and then became friends. Another person I met because I was looking for a Jango/Boba Fett costume. She was just there, in StormTrooper armour, and helped out... Next thing I know I've spent two evenings exploring the game with her.
But alas, I must force myself to stop playing this horrible game. So far it's been alright, it hasn't cut into my studies, but I'm afraid it might, and that would be bad. It's already cutting into my sleep, though I don't sleep much as it is.
Anyway, I'm going to go to bed now. Tomorrow, I'll talk more about SL and the things that are in it. The things that bug me about it. And the things that creep me out.
~Chaos~
|
|
| So what happened today? |
[01 Mar 2006|05:41pm] |
Not much. I did go to the college I am going to be attending.
Now I'm sure at least a few people who read this are scratching their heads in bewilderment.
I know I said I was going to Texas State, but I lied. Well, I didn't lie. We had the application process started, and were nearing completion when I pulled out at the last minute.
I'm going to stop there for a moment in this wonderful tale, and talk about college in general. College is scary to me. Not like joining the military, strangely enough. Actually, I joined the military because of the fact that college scared me. Academics weren't my strongest point in life. I could have done well, but I always sold myself short, and the idea of going into college was daunting. Truthfully, I'm glad I waited. At eighteen I wasn't ready for college. Some people are, but I wasn't. I was too high, too wasted, and too disinterested. The military cleaned me up, and got my head out of the clouds (sorta) and I think now I'm ready for it.
Still scared though, sorta.
Anyway, so no more Texas state. Now I'm looking at a school called "Multnomah School of the Bible." >_>
Yeah, it's a bible school. It's hard for me to really explain why, partly because, and Storm can attest to this, I hate talking about religion and spirituality. And yet, at the same time, I am a deeply spiritual place. Not overly religious though, but very spiritual. The school offers fantastic academics, a great faculty, and has a very good enviroment. It's still college though. As such I wont go into it with rose colored glasses, but I will feel better about it. I have a tendency to let myself get down, and a positive enviroment is good for me.
The one thing that sold this school to me above all others was the fact that they focus on writing and reading. Math and sciences, they offer the required of both, nothing above. Everything else tends to be literary, and I love that.
Anyway, I have other things to say, like the insane cost of this school, but I'm losing the will to type so I'm going to leave!
|
|
| An odd moment... |
[01 Mar 2006|12:16pm] |
Sometimes I can be really weird, even to myself.
Take roleplaying for example. I have, in the past, roleplayed in real life, with paper and dice. I always have, and always will, think it's a gay thing to do. Not gay, in the derogatory way towards homosexuals, but gay in the slang way that it's lame. Yet I've done it. Actually, I've enjoyed it in the past too. There was one that was really long running... I can't really remember everything, but I do remember that I played a sorcerer, which tends to not be my favorite class. My character also had dragon wings, or something. Another guy who played was an Orc, and his catchphrase was "Come over here so I can axe you a question." My guy didn't have a catch phrase >_>
Also, incidentally, Vendenje Kamdram, one of my favorite characters, was born through paper&dice rping, though the game was mostly just a joke, and we talked about series of events. His name was just Kam back then though, and he wasn't Bajoran, but beyond that he was exactly the same. Cowboy styled, and weapons that seemed to come from nowhere.
Anyway, where all of that is going isn't that I'm a hypocrite, because I already knew I was, but it's leading to this;
www.deepspace12.net
This game is probably the coolest thing I've been a part of in a long time. And it's star trek.
I hate star trek >_> I really do. The show is lame, and the idea of an ideal future where humanity has shed it's greed in an effort to better itself sounds farcical to me. Humans are, by definition, greedy motherfuckers who only care about themselves, sometimes taking a moment to care about another, but only if it suits them. So that's kinda what I did with my characters on there. I brought greed into the picture, and ran with it.
But I still hate star trek.
Anyway, the real reason I post this here is to plug it. If you like writing, and can get into a science fiction type world, then maybe you should consider joining. We have a lot of positions available, and we're always looking for new players.
----
Alright, I'm done using my journal for advertising >_>
|
|
| Creative Writing - Free Writing |
[28 Feb 2006|09:09pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
accomplished, yet apprehensive |
] |
So yeah, I've been going to this creative writing thing. Actually, I've gone once, two weeks ago. It's every week, but I skipped last week. I told them it was because of scheduling problems, but the real reason was I was intimidated by the idea of it. I write, and I write a lot, and during the first class I realized I wrote more than anyone in there, except maybe the teacher, but something struck me.
That doesn't mean I'm better, or worse, than anyone else in that class. It just means that I spend more time focusing on the act. What defines someone as a writer isn't always the amount of time spent writing... Sometimes it's just the way their brain works.
For example.
When I'm typing, I can write just about anything that I want, however, writing by hand limits me in a lot of ways. The first night of the class was bad for me. Granted, I had a few really good pieces, but as a whole some of these people just blew me away, and I think it startled me. Not that they were better, again, but that they could just do that. By hand! I can't write by hand most of the time to save my life, and I think I got scared, since the entire class revolves around writing with your hands. I was so tempted to cart in a laptop just so I could keep up with these people.
So yeah, I skipped last week. But instead of deciding right then and there that I was done with the class, I devoted the last two weeks to just writing by hand. The song "Unsure" that I have on here, and then the "Tonight I'll Dream" were both written by me, using my hands, rather than a keyboard. I just devoted myself entirely to writing with my hands, which is something I absolutely loathe.
I hate it for a few reasons. For one, I have poor penmanship. It's bad... Really bad. The other reason is I have a poor grip on the pen or pencil, or whatever the instrument of writing my be. It causes my wrists to ache as I write, and sometimes can send a really horribly intense pain down my arm as the hand twists. It's especially bad when I write with my left hand, which tends to be my dominant hand (I'm ambidextrous, if you haven't already realized it, lol). So in general, I avoid writing with my hands, and as such I can honestly say outside of writing checks and signing documents that I have not written with my hands since high school, oh so many years ago.
So yeah, I went to this class tonight, and I felt a lot more confident. I still didn't really want to go, but part of me said 'you just have to. What will you do in college?' It was good. For two reasons, first, I wrote a song that was really well recieved... I mean, really really well recieved. And two, we started dialogue, which tends to be my forte when it comes to writing. I'm still scared about the whole writing the entire story with my hands thing, but hopefully I'll get to the point where it comes as naturally as typing does...
---
Here's the song I wrote. It's written in free writing, so the intention... Or the premise, maybe, is that it shouldn't be perfect, and we aren't doing any sort of editing. It's just your words, on paper.
"I think I finally Understand..."
I think I finally understand
It's a moment, brief
Scarred, damaged, and tormented
Yet eternally perfect
Clutched like it's the last one
Never will you have this again
I think I finally understand
Crippled, alone again
Wear this moment on my sleeve
Desperate to freeze time, remaining here
Sinking deeper
I think I finally understand
I will choose to let this go
Release myself into the great void
The void that is life
The void that is time
I will let this old and faded moment
Withered and torn
Be replaced by something new
I think I finally understand
It's a memory, brief
Scarred, damaged, and tormented
Yet eternally perfect
I think I finally understand...
|
|
| Tonight I'll dream |
[28 Feb 2006|04:45pm] |
Tonight I'll dream about success
Tonight I'll dream about failure
Tonight I'll dream about you
about me
about us
Your face floods the screen
And I'm consumed by your eyes
And I didn't realize how you'd become a part of me
And all I can hear is your name
And it never goes away
Tonight I'll dream about success
Tonight I'll dream about failure
Tonight I'll dream about you
about me
about us
My hand carefully caresses your face
My fingers lost in the forest of hair
My lips tremble against yours
My eyes afraid to open, only to find this was all a...
Dream about success
Dream about failure
Dream about you
about me
about us
----
My name is Habit
I set in you like a wound
Digging into your flesh
And I watch you as you reach out
Only to fail, never to make it
Sometimes it seems like all you do
Is fail and lose
Lost in what you didn't mean
And I close another door
Leaving you with another fight
A fight you cannot win
A fight I wont let you win
There is no clarity
No light at the end of this tunnel
All you have is me
And I am you
The real you = What you say
What you do
~Habit~
|
|
| Success! |
[26 Feb 2006|10:33pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
Awkwardly Disassociative |
] |
Ignore the error message. It's stupid, and it wont go away. It fails. I fail too though :(
[22:26] you FAIL! *runs around in circles three times and then sprints out the door, singing about how he will eventually destroy you all*
[22:27] [ Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<jarrod`>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.] Ignore the error message. It's stupid, and it wont go away. It fails. I fail too though :( [22:26] <BlackRain> you FAIL! *runs around in circles three times and then sprints out the door, singing about how he will eventually destroy you all* [22:27] <Jarrod`> "If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can imagine." [22:28] <BlackRain> okay Obi-Wan ::eye roll:: [22:28] <BlackRain> what're you gonna do, ghost me to death? :P [22:29] <BlackRain> you know what's more sad than my pathetic come back? [22:29] <BlackRain> the fact that I knew that it was Obi-Wan who said that off the top of my head [22:29] <BlackRain> ...yep [22:30] <Jarrod`> I had to know it to quote it, too, so I guess we're pathetic together. [22:30] <BlackRain> it's nice to not be alone [22:34] * Aileen knocks BlackRain over with her mind [22:34] <Aileen> HA [22:34] <BlackRain> >_> [22:35] <}{mintie}{> ty [22:35] <BlackRain> Damn you and your jedi mind tricks, you vile woman! [22:37] <}{mintie}{> i cant stop sneezing damnit! [22:37] * BlackRain sticks his fingers in mint's nostrils [22:38] <}{mintie}{> gross [22:38] <}{mintie}{> even for you [22:38] <}{mintie}{> that'd make me snort [22:39] <BlackRain> well, I wasn't going to lick them or anything [22:39] <BlackRain> sheesh [22:39] <}{mintie}{> hahaha [22:39] <BlackRain> I'd make Paco lick them clean, DUH! [22:39] <}{mintie}{> eewwww [22:39] <BlackRain> Don't ewwww me, you know you'd like it [22:40] <BlackRain> ;) [22:40] <BlackRain> See, after he licks my fingers clean, he can suck on your nose, while I gnaw on your hair [22:40] <BlackRain> I'll even get him a straw [22:42] <BlackRain> ...Hello? |
|
|
[24 Feb 2006|03:11pm] |
Egad, it's been two days. So I've basically come to this decision that no matter what happens to me, I'm going to stay happy. I'm going to fight for that shred of peace that I have, and do anything I can to keep it.
Well, we'd all love to be able to do that, I suppose, but some people just have a way of beating you down, and robbing you of your right to a happy and peaceful existance. But what can you do? Before I got on my medication and started seeing a counselor on a regular basis, I might've lapsed into a depressive state and potentially hurt myself or something. Now? I just do my best to not let it get to me... I try not to dwell on what is killing me on the inside and think about those things that give me life.
So yep. Fuck everyone who doesn't make you happy, because they aren't worth the time. The only people that matter are the ones that live to see you smile.
Now with that off my chest, I can talk about some real issues! I'm working on moving out of this house, and into the dorms on campus. We're going to try and find me a grant or something, banking on the hope that there'll be something out there for ex-military guys like me. Barring that, maybe a loan or something, though loans suck...
The reason? Family issues. My father's girlfriend and I aren't friends. We never will be, and I'm tired of being around her. So I made the decision to get myself away from her. Sometimes I wonder though... Will I ever really be happy living somewhere? Some of my friends say yes, it just takes time... But I dunno. Time is something I often overlook, as I tend to just live in the here, and the now. I can't see into the future, so I tend to not try.
EDIT: I did this, came off of Storm's lj;
| You Are 86% Evil | 
You're the most evil person you know.
The devil is even a little scared of you! |
I thought I was more evil than that, but let's face it... There are some thing even I wont do.
Other than that... I wrote a short story about the Matrix. Actually, the Animatrix. It's during the Second Renaissance, and it revolves around this random guy... This Joe Nobody, who gets sucked up into this huge situation. I like the imagery of the Second Renaissance, and it's what made me want to write this. Anyway, enjoy!!
---
"Daddy!" The little girl ran up to him, and squeezed her tiny arms around his legs, holding on for dear life. He smiled down at her, and knelt, prying her off of his leg. He wasn't a tall man, by any means. He had dark brown hair, worn short. His eyes were a deep hazel color, with flecks of yellow near the pupil. He wore a drab green uniform, showing that he was fighting for the United Nations military. He ran his hand through his daughters hair.
"Daddy's gotta go now," he said, standing up straight. He smiled at her one last time. "But remember, daddy loves you." He turned, and walked away. He never saw his daughter again.
---
The war against the Machine's hadn't started this day. Infact, it'd been a war that had been going on for a long time now, and humanity was losing. But humanity had a plan. He wasn't sure what that plan was, but he trusted his leaders, within reason. He wasn't foolish though, he knew it was humanities own selfishness and greed that had caused this war. Still, he had a daughter to think about, didn't he? He couldn't stand the thought of her dying because he did nothing, so he took up arms, enlisting into the military. He was one of the very few lucky souls who was assigned as a mechanic. The mechanics corps would go in, repair the walkers, weapons, and tanks, and then fall back, if they could, to safer lines.
Still, it wasn't a job he relished. He grunted as he tried to reach an action motivator within the chasis of one of the massive mechanic armoured suites some of the soldiers were wearing. This one had a malfunctioning left leg that had been giving it's pilot some trouble. His fingers grasped it, and he tugged hard, ripping it free. He slid back, and flopped against the massive arm of the mechanical beast, wiping his brow with an oil stained rag. "Ironic," he said to himself, looking at the motivator.
"What is?"
The man snapped to attention. "Sir!"
Captain Morian Slovan smirked. "At ease, Corporal." He walked around the side of the mechanical machine that he would be piloting. "What's ironic?"
"Ah," the man started, following the Captain. "It's nothing, sir... I just find it ironic that we are fighting the machines with, well, machines."
The Captain smiled genially. "And what would you suggest we fight them with? Sticks?" He shook his head. "How's that left motivator?"
"Ahh, sir! I was just about to replace it!" The man scurried back over to the side of the machine, reaching for the new one. He clambered up the side of it, and reached back into the guts of the beast.
"Good. See that she's ready. They say that Operation Dark Storm is commencing. Once that happens, we'll engage the machines almost immidiately." The Captain wandered off.
The man sighed, as he replaced the motivator. After several service checks, he deemed that the armour was ready for combat. He just hoped that Captain Slovan was too.
Operation Dark Storm took place at high noon the very next day. The man was amazed - and saddenned - by his own people's willingness to hunt the machines to death, as he watched the sky overhead slowly die. He held his hand out, and stared at it as it changed from a pale peach color to an even paler lavender color, and eventually a deep blue.
"Mech Corps FALL BACK!!" the voice boomed over the loud speaker as the trenches were suddenly awash with activity. The enemy had surprised them, attacking first. Two mechanics in the same trench as he were cut down in a blurry haze of blood and liquified flesh. The man instantly dropped down onto his stomach, his hand desperately reaching out and grasping a discarded weapon that lay nearby. He rolled left, and scampered up against the nearest wall, pressing himself as tightly as he could against it. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Captain Slovan's powered armour as it engaged one of the machines. His first blow was crushing, and it killed the machine instantly, but as he came around to strike another down he was struck with weapons fire that threw him off balance, causing him to fall over. A massive machine with six legs, and one large central body that had several tendril like eyes sprouting out all over it crushed the cockpit with it's foreleg, causing blood and oil to ooze out of it, as if one were squishing a bug.
The man was sweating profusely, his eyes darting from side to side as he tried to make up his mind of what to do. Many men were already running, fear taking over them. Even more were engaging the enemy though, and many died almost instantly. The man squated, clutching his head with his hands, his entire body shaking even as the missiles struck, sending shockwaves through the earth. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to block out everything that was going on around him, and he felt so cold...
But as he blinked away his tears, something caught his eye. He reached out slowly, grasping a locket that had fallen from his neck. Inside was a picture of the most important thing in his life - his daughter. He sniffed, wiping away the snot and tears from his face, staring into her lovely face. His thumb brushed across the image, and he snapped it shut, sticking it back around his neck as he gripped the rifle, moving around the corner, opening fire on the machine enemy. He roared in rage as everything seemed to slow down, and all color bleed from the battlefield. It was like it was just him, his gun, and his enemy, dancing in a perfectly orchastrated ballet. His weapon's rounds ripped into the smaller bots, cutting them down one after the other. He could feel the presense of other soldiers joining up with him, inspired by his sudden sense of bravery.
The fight felt like it lasted forever, but really it didn't. He couldn't remember how he'd gotten seperated from the others, and he searched desperately only to realize that he hadn't been seperated at all. They were all dead, strewn about around him. He saw a machine move, and he opened fire, emptying his weapon into it. He watched as it's red eye faded, and became black. Black like the sky. Black like his existance. He fell to his knee's, and stared at the destruction wrought upon the planet he had grown up on. He stared up at the sky, at the blackenned death that reached out like a claw, grasping the entire planet, voiding that sweet, sweet warm light that gave everything life.
There was a sound of servo's and gears grinding as a massive three legged machine came up the ridge, stopping just infront of him. It raised it's right forelimb, and pressed the weapon held in it against the Man's face.
He thought of his daughter again, as the tears streamed down his face. "I don't deserve this..."
The machine didn't seem to reacte, it's red eyes remaining steady as the sound of it's weapon firing echoed across the planes, followed by the sound of a corpse hitting the ground.
---
"Daddy!" The little girl ran up to her father, and squeezed his legs as tightly as she could, holding on for dear life. He knelt down, and smiled at her. He wasn't a tall man, by any means. He had short dark brown hair, deep hazel eyes with bits of yellow flecks in them, and a winning smile. He was wearing a simple business suit, and he placed his briefcase down as he reached out and picked up his daughter.
"Daddy has to go now," he said, placing her back down and grabbing his briefcase. He smiled at her one last time. "But remember, daddy loves you," he said, as he walked away, off to work.
---
|
|
| Friends and the march of Time |
[20 Feb 2006|08:01pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
Reflective |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
This pounding headache I have |
] |
I was half writing on my book, a third watching tv, and a third talking to Marla, and the conversation led to talking about a mutual friend of ours. And I started really thinking about this friend.
He, and since he'll read this I wont even hide who it is, Storm, has been one of my closest friends, if not the closest friend, for almost four and a half years now. I know four years isn't a really real long time for a friendship, but for me it is. I spent all of my life moving from place to place, and most of the time my best friend was me.
Anyway... I was just thinking about everything we've been through, and mostly just how much we've both changed. When we first met I was a real hot-head, and pretty reckless. Not just in real life, but online too. I could've almost been called something of a troll, it was so bad sometimes. I'd live to piss someone off, and god, just let someone else piss me off and see what happens. He was pretty quiet. Introvertive, would be pretty accurate in the way to describe him, but we became fast friends. It was weird.
But I can't say that I wasn't an influence. He tried, bless him, to be more outgoing. Most of the time it was just funny though, and we'd all have a good laugh at his expense. To his benefit though, Storm is ever the nice guy, and no one ever wanted to truly hurt his feelings. And back then, if I found out someone had intentionally tried to fuck with him, there was always hell to pay. Even though he was a few months older than me, it was like he was my kid brother, and I was always watching out for him.
But as time went by, it seemed like things just changed... We stopped being kids, I suppose. I stopped being so reckless, people stopped calling me a devil, and I grew up. I joined the military, and while I still have a love for a good dirty joke, and I enjoy the occassional prank, I've basically mellowed out.
I also went through this whole depression thing that just grabbed hold of me and beat me down, but even that I was able to overcome and defeat.
Storm, well, he grew up too, in his own way. Sometimes I feel like he's holding on to the past tightly though, and I worry about him a lot. When I read his lj posts I wonder what's really going on inside of him. He always talks about his aspergers, but I knew him before he knew he had it. He was a well adjusted guy back then, and he was just fine, but it was like as soon as he found out he had it it became the central focus of his life, and he let it run him. He couldn't escape this... This concept that he was defined by aspergers.
And before anyone gets rattled about me saying that about someone with aspergers, let me say this. My younger sister, who was 17 when she was killed in a car accident, had aspergers syndrome. Hers was way worse than his, and you know what? She did fucking fantastic in her life. She worked so hard to become as well adjusted as she could, and she never, ever, ever let it get to her.
So I'm always left worrying about him. I know he sometimes has it rough. He forgets to to this, or that, and the stress builds up inside and he can't focus on anything else but the stress. I have a similiar problem, as I've been - unknown to him until now - diagnosed with a minor case of aspergers myself. I'm high functioning though, but so is he. I guess it's genetic though, but my sister and I both had it as kids, and we both had a lot of the same problems (Like when I was younger they put me on ritalin because they thought it was add, and they also thought she had add so she was on ritalin too. It wasn't until she was in high school that she was diagnosed with aspergers, and for me about two and half months ago when I went to the doctor for an unrelated matter.) The stress is a killer, especially for someone like us. It gets in you, and then your stomach gets all in knots, and your head starts to pound, and you want to break down, and you can't even sit still sometimes because as soon as you do all your emotions and fears and worries whell up and attack you. And it's scary sometimes, but you know... It doesn't have to win.
And other times it's like he can only focus on one thing at a time, and sometimes he can't focus on anything.
And I do have one major complaint - I wouldn't be me if I didn't throw something out there - He often uses it as an excuse. More and more these days, I'm always met with a "I'm not in the mood... I can't be bothered... I don't feel like it... I'm out of sorts..." And they all boil down - because I've actually confronted him on them more than once - to his aspergers being the reason his emotions are like that.
But I guess it's fine. He's become this guy... This guy I thought I knew, this guy I always worry about because in the end, no matter how different we are now from when we were kids, he's still my best friend, and I guess all of this post was my way of telling Storm that it doesn't have to win. You can win. You know I'm here to help, and Marla too. We both love you a lot dude, and we don't want you to become so...
Defeated.
~Chaos~
|
|
| Sundays |
[19 Feb 2006|05:17pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
weird |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Staind - "Four Walls" |
] |
You know what Sundays are? A drag. That's what. They're the end of the weekend, and the beginning of the week. Sundays are shorter than Saturdays because you have that innate sense that if you don't lay down early you'll be terribly beat the next day.
But still, you lay down early, and it's fitfull. You stayed up late Friday night and Saturday night, and now it's Sunday and you just can't get to bed. Finally you get up, and go outside. You stand there, taking in everything. The darkness. The smells. The cool breeze that brushes against you. You can hear cars as they drive by down the street, and the lights of the city are just a haze over your neighbores home. But this is all part of living in the city. A hobo walks by, and roots through your garbage, until he notices you and then moves on. You can see a hooker down on the main street, not but a block away. She eyes you, but you look away because you don't want her to get the wrong impression. You scan the side of the street. Your eyes of course go to your own car, because in a neighborehood like this one car safety isn't always assured. After awhile, you center yourself, and go back inside. Maybe sit infront of the computer for a moment, or turn on the television. A light snack, and you go back to bed, to force yourself to get to sleep.
>_>
So today was kinda nice, in a weird way. Rebekah, my father's girlfriend, and I never get along. At least historically we've never gotten along. But today was nice. She was here, and she made me breakfast, and we just chatted for awhile, and we didn't get into any arguements or anything like that. It was pleasent.
Last night I officially started the book, though I already said that in my last posts reply messages. But yep... All this time as a writer and all I've ever done were short stories and DS12/other various writing rpg's. I'm officially writing a novel, hopefully the first of many. It is Science Fiction, and based around the crew of the Last Hope, as shown before. You wont see too much of it though, as I'm really going to work hard to get it published. The setting is basically really far in the future, in a universe all of my own creating, with worlds I've made up and species I've made up. I had to do a lot of serious work to make it work out, as the original Last Hope and it's crew were set in Star Trek's world.
I'm not really a fan of Star Trek, but the games are abundant.
So yeah... Beyond working on that book, I worked out earlier, went for a run, ate, and talked to a few friends. Yep... A busy sunday...
~Chaos~
|
|
| Saturdays |
[18 Feb 2006|04:17pm] |
Sometimes I miss being a a kid. And you know what the best thing about being a kid was, aside from the complete and utter lack of any real responsability? Saturdays. Yes, that glorious day of days where you are basically ordered by society to sit around eating sugared cereal and watch gross amounts of pointless cartoons. Yes, those were the days. Once the cartoons were over, around one in the afternoon, you'd then proceed to go outside and run around the neighborehood for hours with your friends.
At least, that's how it was when I was a little kid. But now that I'm older, Saturday's meaning has changed for me. No longer is Saturday a day of play, but instead it becomes that day of rest. That sweet refuge... That day that you aren't required to do anything but lay in bed and vegge. At least now.
When I was in the military Saturday took on a whole different meaning. Saturday was simply the day of the week I was off, be it a monday, tuesday, or even, horror of all horror's, a wednesday. But still you see Saturday as that day that you aren't required to do anything but vegge. It's the day that you look forward to each week, and sadly, like all good things, it seems to slip through your fingers and you've already moved on to Sunday.
But that's a pointless Journal post for another day entirely...
---
More work on the Star Wars parody, I did this;
From left to right, it's Tico Skywalker, Jillie, Andrew Solo, and Princess Emma Organa. The image is still greatly flawed, though the Andrew Sage/Solo image came out freaking fantastic. The one that needs the most work is the Emma Organa one. It's actually done really well, and I've done just about everything I can think of to it, it just looks really fucked up. The reason, in my opinion, is because I didn't size Kate Beckinsale's face correctly. Also, Carrie Fisher looks really hunched there, not sure why. I also completely brainfarted that white space between her body and the arm she has on her hip. Anyway, other than that, I've just been reading up on the scripts today... I worked out for about two hours earlier, though my workouts are usually only 45 minutes. I just had a lot of pent up stress that needed venting, I suppose. Like a release valve to let go of all that stuff from this week that built up inside.
I also moved my computer up to my room, and out of the public area's of this house. It's much nicer. Much quieter.
Till tomorrow ~
Scott ~Chaos~
|
|
|
[17 Feb 2006|10:38pm] |
I add this only because I'm proud of it;
It's Andrew Sage as Han Solo ^_^; I'm actually working on a parody of our game in the Star Wars universe, so watch for that too!
|
|
| ha HA! |
[17 Feb 2006|02:10pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
content |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Underoath, "I don't feel very respective today" |
] |
It's a bit early, but I already have a bunch to update about... Where to start though...
Well, the car place did call, but my interview isn't till next week, so hopefully that'll go well. The only conflict will be this counseling thing. If I start the job, it means I wont get out of work till about 5:30pm monday-friday. I also wont be able to make one of my online engagements, the Warhawk, which is this quasi-writing type game that I play with some friends. It happens every friday at 2pm. But hey, I have to weigh things out here. Good, strong mental health, or a nice fat pay check? A fun, relaxing game that causes me to think and stretch my mind, or a nice fat pay check?
;)
Another high point in my day today was when my friend Andy messaged me. Andy and I run this thing called "StormRain." It's a big nothing right now, but there's a lot of high hopes for it. I know he wants to pursue this whole gaming industry thing, and I'd like to see some real web development get injected into it. But anyway, we're both lazy, though he's lazier, and sadly more skillful than I right now, which means the entire project just sits still most of the time, though occassionally we get big bursts of energy and do a lot of stuff in a short period of time. But the energy quickly fizzles, and then we're back to not doing anything.
Anyway, we run this thing, and we also have a forums for it. The forums are a right mess right now, and a touch of a nightmare, but we like them because they're ours. In the past though, I was prone not to use them. This was mostly because someone that I didn't like did use them.
It's a really long story, but basically there was this girl that I liked a lot. Probably too much for my own good. She was, and in some ways, still is a very cool person in my opinion. She would listen to me no matter what it is that was going on, and I have to say, I did get a bit melodramatic back then. I was going through some rough stuff, and looking back at it now that I'm all better, I wonder why she even bothered. But she did, until oh, maybe a year ago? It's been awhile now. I was offline for about a week, unnanounced, due to some net problems. Actually, the truth was I hadn't paid my bill, because I was so caught up in some other things, like buying food, and taking care of my car. Anyway, I came back online, and I guess I'd left a pretty freaky username on msn, something like "I want to die" or something. It was stupid, and cliche, and I hate myself for ever being like that, but anyway, she freaked out, and I freaked out, and needless to say we stopped being friends. After that, she basically vanished from thought. I stopped thinking about her, because I'm weird like that, and I actually forgot who she was. That was, until we started up StormRain, and she showed up on our forums. Then she started showing up in chatrooms I was in, and even though we never spoke, she was there, and it was really uncomfortable. I liked not remembering she existed. It was nice. It made it so I didn't have to think about how much I really missed her.
So yeah, she was on StormRain forums, so I didn't frequent them very much. But just today she asked Andy to delete her account. I was surprised, but she basically told him that she was reading things, and had decided that it just wasn't good for her to be there. I'm not exactly sure what she had read, but there's maybe a few possibles, one time where I actually shut her down when she requested something, and then another, a game that we play, where some of the words used were obviously directed at her.
So yeah, now she's gone, and maybe I can go back to forgetting she even exists ^_^ She'll probably read this, but then again, maybe she wont. I haven't used this in such a long time that she's probably forgotten it even exists.
---
The only other thing I have is these cool images I did;
And;
I guess I should explain these guys more than I had previously. This guy;
is named Andrew H. Sage, and he's the Captain of a ship called the Last Hope, a space fairing ship that's main job is courier and transport. They try to stick to legit deals, but sometimes they do do some less than legal jobs.
I should note that the reason I've only used two heads for him is because the face that was chosen for him only has two good pictures out there. :(
The other guy's name is Vendenje Kamdram, but he goes by Kam. Actually, in his species, his surname goes first, and his first name goes last, but that's a minor detail about him. He's probably one of the coolest character's I've ever made. His life is split into four basic parts. When he was a child, he was a slave on his homeworld, which was controlled by these aliens. He vowed to basically kill any of them that he ever ran into. When he was a teen he was sold to another man, named Gerun Daev, who turned him into an assassin. He later betrayed Gerun Daev, and was "killed" by his best friend, Sebastien LeBlanc. The rest of his life was basically left to being a criminal, moving from place to place until he ran into Sage. Together, along with two others, a guy named Felix Strider, and another named Talyn, they formed the Courier service known as Horsemen Couriers, and became the space cowboys.
>_>
The rest is kinda just how we make it as we play. It's cool, as I'm really into science fiction, and in the game we play we're pretty much the outsiders of everyone elses part in it.
Anyway, I may do some storybuilding here with them, as I've never really posted the stories we do anywhere else.
Outside of that, nothing else really happened today.
|
|
| Schedule |
[16 Feb 2006|07:55pm] |
I know I already updated once, but it wasn't really a real update, it was just me piddling... Anyway, I'm going to try and get into a once-a-day updating type schedule. I'll probably get lax with it now and again, but I'll try to keep it going.
So basically, my job is done. Right now I'm in-between working, but I pretty much have a lock on this job over at this auto-body shop that does custom paintjobs. The guy was really impressed with my enthuesiasm, and even though I don't have a vast knowledge of how things work under the hood, I do have more than most starting guys do. He said he'd try and get back to me either tomorrow, or early next week. It'd be good if he'd call me tomorrow though.
I also applied at this little book/music store, though I don't think they'll hire me - not because they didn't like me, but because they're pretty much past the hiring phase right now, and wont be looking for anyone new till the summer, which is way too far down the line for me.
What else... What else... Well, I have this bird, right, and he's a total asshole. Today he was acting really, really sweet to me, but it turns out all he wanted was some food, and as soon as I fed him he started being a jerk again :(
I also saw a new counselor today, one that my dad is also seeing. I guess we're going to try and work out some of the issues between us, and the first thing he did was tell me to write an autobiography, so don't be surprised if I waste your lives by forcing you to read it >_>
Other than that, I don't have anything new to post up. I just haven't had the time to sit down and do anything with photoshop today, and I'm still working on my website so it's not even up yet. On top of that, I'm trying to get my brain to wrap around java, cgi, and perl, now that I know x/html and css pretty well. Well, decently well.
So yeah, that's it from me today.
|
|
|
[16 Feb 2006|02:43pm] |
Did some updating. Fixed up a different type of font, and put in a neat background image. I wanted to add music, but you have to pay for that function, so until I find a nice way to hack that, no tunes :(
Nothing majorly new, graphically speaking, but so as to not make a post totally devoid of anything cool, here's something I did awhile back for the same game that that one dude in the leather jacket/pants and combat boots is in;
I like this one a lot, as it really does well to show just how far I've really come. It's not as amazing as some things some people have done, but considering only a few short months ago I couldn't even figure out how to make the layers work right, I think this really shows off some of my best work.
|
|
|
[15 Feb 2006|06:44pm] |
The first song I've written in, oh, forever... Anyway... I don't normally write religious stuff, but the song's been weighing on my heart a lot lately. It needs work, because certain lines are really strong and powerful, and I don't utilize them the right way, but it's just a rough draft of the song anyway.
"Unsure"
...Can't believe this...
...Wont believe this...
...Can't believe this...
I'm broken and tired
Feel like I've worn myself thin
The sin's imbedded in my flesh
Surrounded by all these idols
All I can see are my failures
Cold and callous, the walls collapse
Infected, all my betrayels, fragile and unsure
And I can't believe this
I wont believe this
I can't believe in this...
Religon tries to paint the world black and white
but all I ever see is gray
And every step I take
Takes me farther from you
Buried, and infected in my sin
Waiting for the end
Fragile, and unsure
And I can't believe this
I wont believe this
But I have to believe this
Feeling the sun on my face
All my doubt
And all my fear
Fragile, and unsure...
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
scott_neko's journal